Movie Review: My completely spoiler-heavy review of The Dark Knight Rises

“I trust Christopher Nolan”. That’s what I’ve been saying to pretty much everyone who has asked my opinion on what The Dark Knight Rises was going to be like all year. He’s pulled off the impossible time after time, and if the critical and financial success of The Dark Knight Returns and Inception isn’t enough to buy him some fan boy credit, I don’t know what is.

Unfortunately, it’s a statement that might no longer be true.

Here’s how I usually do my movie reviews. I sum up the plot of the film without spoiling too much, then add a few things I like, a few things I don’t like, then sum up the whole thing with a paragraph that I think is funny, but that no one else seems to get.

But summing up the plot of Dark Knight Rises in a paragraph would be like summing up the history of earth in a Tripadvisor comments section, so we’re going to try something different.

We start the movie with Bruce Wayne enjoying his eight year retirement from being Batman (apparently he didn’t watch the end of the last Batman film where Bruce Wayne said that he would never stop being Batman, ever), though instead of  a watch Wayne gets to be crippled, poor, and have beautiful women throw themselves at him for no discernible reason.

Christian Bale looking confused after having read the script to The Dark Knight Rises.

Then Anne Hathaway steals from him but she’s not really stealing from him and instead she’s working for this guy that’s working for another guy that used to work for another guy from the first movie. The first other guy works out a lot and has a mumbling problem, and wants to blow everything up because that’s what the second other guy wanted to do even though the second other guy soundly rejected the first other guy. Despite having almost no evidence that this first other guy even exists whatsoever, Bruce Wayne becomes Batman again on the advice of a handsome orphan who somehow figured out that Wayne is Batman because he saw him once. (Alas, I’m not exaggerating that even a bit) Batman gets told by Michael Caine that he’s a terrible person and that he’s going to lose to the first other guy. Despite that rousing pep talk, Batman loses to the first other guy, who then shows his brilliance as a super villain by hiding Batman in a hole in the ground, telling Batman how to get out of the hole, and then acting really surprised when Batman gets out of that hole at the end of the movie and somehow beats him using the exact same strategy he used the first time they fought. But not before the first other guy  kills the first guy, and the second other guy explains the whole thing in a dream sequence/training montage. Oh, and Batman sleeps with a woman that he has no chemistry with, the handsome orphan runs around the city yelling at people angrily, and Anne Hathaway does bad things, then good things, then bad things again for absolutely no reason, but we’re supposed to forgive her because she looks good wearing a pair of heels longer than Tom Cruises leg.

P.S. This movie is a godforsaken mess.

I feel bad for thinking that way. Kind of. Christopher Nolan was THIS close to finishing off the greatest superhero trilogy ever made in style, but he seems to have gotten utterly bogged down with useless plotting minutia that he completely forgot what makes this character so great. A weak cast only compounds the effort, with Christian Bale sleepwalking his way through most of this film, as if he can’t wait to get to his new career of making movies where he doesn’t have to dress up like a giant rodent.  Hathaway does attempt to put forth a solid effort as Selena Kyle. But as usual with Nolan’s films, his female characters are either whores or saints, and it appears as if he didn’t have the time to let her know which one she was supposed to be. The rest of the cast flail about with vigour, all in service to a plodding script that seemed to have made sense to only one man.

Christopher Nolan’s films are known for “the big reveal”, and he works so hard to keep that streak going here that I have to believe he literally wrote this movie backwards. Great scenes are conceived, but then 10 minutes of exposition are shoe-horned afterwards to ensure that the those scenes “make sense”, making for an overly convoluted mess of a script.  When we finally find out who the villain behind the whole affair really is, we’re so numbed by the constant over-explaining that we can barely find the energy to shrug.

Tom Hardy as “Mumbles McGee”.

Though Nolan’s attention to character development has waned as his movies have gotten bigger, DKR has to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Nolan somehow manages to strip anything interesting out of a character that has held our interest for almost a century. The Bruce Wayne that starts this movie has lost his mission. But despite having 2 hours and 45 minutes to play with, Nolan forgets to give Batman any real reason to get his mission back. His city is in danger, but no more so than it was when Wayne was despondent and suicidal. His character arc in this film can be best described as: Sad Sad Angry Ouch Angry Yay, which also happens to be the character arc your puppy has when it accidentally bites a porcupine.

And so this is a negative review, of a film that inexplicably seems to have garnered universal praise. But I’m not too sad. Nolan gave us two very good Batman films already, and can hardly be faulted for not being able to close the deal here. In a year, or two, or ten, another film maker will be given the reigns, and will start the whole process again. The character can handle one bad movie. And quite frankly, so can Nolan.

He’s a strong film maker, and although this movie makes about as much sense as Christy Clark’s energy policy of “I’m against the rape of natural resources unless I get a cut”, I think that I still have to say, that “I trust Christopher Nolan.”

Just not with Batman anymore.

Rating: D-

My review of Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows, Part 2

I’ve been looking forward to this all week,  and I’m happy to say that I wasn’t disappointed.

Some spoilers: The movie started with a Liam Neeson voice over from the first film. He reminds us that every hero has a journey, but that if Bruce worked really hard he could become a legend. Then we cut to Commissioner Gordon. He says that Bruce didn’t work hard enough. Gordon apparently has had a bad day. He’s in the hospital, and he’s hurt. He’s mad at Batman for quitting, but says that he has to come back now that there is great evil in Gotham. As opposed to the rest of the time when Gotham is a rainbow-covered paradise full of unicorns and moonbeams, I guess. Batman whines a bit, but Gordon tells him to man up. Then we see Tom Hardy as Bane for the first time. We pee our pants. Then Batman sees Tom Hardy as Bane for the first time, and HE pees his Bat-pants. Then there is some yelling, and chanting, and that’s the end.

Commissioner Gordon in "Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows, Part Two"

I loved this. It told me everything I needed to know about the sequel that’s coming next summer. It had a great plot, interesting characters, and some solid acting by Gary Oldman.

Rating: A

The 30-year-old teen wizard that starred in the horrible film that was shown at the end of Harry Potter

P.S. At the end there was a two-hour piece of incomprehensible dreck about a 30-year-old man pretending to be a 15-year-old wizard, who seemed to be on a confusing Choose Your Own Adventure: Magic Edition full of gaping plot points, terrible, angst-ridden acting, and dozens of characters that show up with no explanation but then leave just as abruptly with no rhyme or reason. There was also  a guy with a pretty bad skin condition that either a) wants to kill the post-pubescent wizard, or b) wants to have sex with him, or c) just wants to know how an Oscar nominated actor of his calibre somehow ended up in this piece of swill. Although I can’t really tell you what it was about, I can tell you that every time it got too confusing some actor would just make up a new word to describe whatever was happening on the screen as if that would explain things, and about half way through the movie everybody took a break and did a flash mob where they kissed whomever was standing next to them, even though that was the first scene some of those people had together in the whole movie. At the end they thankfully fast forwarded through the next 19 years of these people’s lives so that we could see that anything remotely interesting about the characters had been sucked out by the gaping maw of middle age.

Rating: D+ (the + is for the best albino dragon I’ve seen on-screen this year. Well, other than Nancy Grace)