Noah is the story of a prehistoric hippie (played by Russell Crowe, in a role that he is perfectly suited for, as he gets to scowl and yell a lot), who is told by his Kreator that the world is about to be destroyed. Everyone’s got to go, except for Noah’s family, and every animal on earth. And so the Kreator sends a supernatural monster with a face made of stone to help him.
But enough about Jennifer Connolly.
I’ll never understand how any studio thought handing over the reins to one of the Bible’s (now available at that creepy Christian book store down the street that somehow stays open even though you never see anyone inside) most beloved stories, to one of modern cinema’s most sacrilegious directors (you can google Jennifer Connelly Dildo, for just a taste of the Aronofsky oeuvre), was a good idea.
But they did. And so we have Noah, a Clash Of The Titans for the bible set. But instead of a gorgon we get a rock monster, and instead of Liam Neeson we get Anthony Hopkins, who has played the “wise old man on the mountain” cliché so many times that Aaronofsky finally just decided to have him literally play a wise old man on a mountain. And instead of a great biblical epic, we get Noah.
It’s not that there isn’t some entertainment to be gleaned here. In fact, the second act of the film is fairly strong, as it’s essentially an hour-long tribute to the Rocky training montage, but instead of Talia Shire we get a million snakes, and instead of Burgess Meredith we get the Kreator. Aaronofsky means this to be a cautionary tale, using the mythology of our past to teach us lessons about our future. But everyone in the film is so utterly unlikable (with the exception of the deliciously campy Ray Winstone, which is unfortunate as he’s actually supposed to be the villain of the piece), that it’s hard to not to agree with the Kreator and root for him to wipe everyone out and to just leave the whole planet to the birds & bees.
Noah in particular is to be despised, as he’s initially played as a prehistoric Jerry Garcia, but morphs quickly into a loathsome ideological martyr, so convinced in his species’ shortcomings that he’s not only willing, but eager, to sacrifice his entire family to his Kreator’s whims.
Oh, and can anyone remind me of the bible verse where everyone gets shotguns? That would be great. I’ll wait.
This is an easy film to mock, but it’s not terrible by any stretch. But if you want to learn about how to protect the environment, watch The Inconvenient Truth. And if you want to learn about the bible, read the bible. And if you want a somewhat entertaining, overblown special effects epic masquerading as a environmental puff piece, you can watch Noah.