My review of Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows, Part 2

I’ve been looking forward to this all week,  and I’m happy to say that I wasn’t disappointed.

Some spoilers: The movie started with a Liam Neeson voice over from the first film. He reminds us that every hero has a journey, but that if Bruce worked really hard he could become a legend. Then we cut to Commissioner Gordon. He says that Bruce didn’t work hard enough. Gordon apparently has had a bad day. He’s in the hospital, and he’s hurt. He’s mad at Batman for quitting, but says that he has to come back now that there is great evil in Gotham. As opposed to the rest of the time when Gotham is a rainbow-covered paradise full of unicorns and moonbeams, I guess. Batman whines a bit, but Gordon tells him to man up. Then we see Tom Hardy as Bane for the first time. We pee our pants. Then Batman sees Tom Hardy as Bane for the first time, and HE pees his Bat-pants. Then there is some yelling, and chanting, and that’s the end.

Commissioner Gordon in "Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows, Part Two"

I loved this. It told me everything I needed to know about the sequel that’s coming next summer. It had a great plot, interesting characters, and some solid acting by Gary Oldman.

Rating: A

The 30-year-old teen wizard that starred in the horrible film that was shown at the end of Harry Potter

P.S. At the end there was a two-hour piece of incomprehensible dreck about a 30-year-old man pretending to be a 15-year-old wizard, who seemed to be on a confusing Choose Your Own Adventure: Magic Edition full of gaping plot points, terrible, angst-ridden acting, and dozens of characters that show up with no explanation but then leave just as abruptly with no rhyme or reason. There was also  a guy with a pretty bad skin condition that either a) wants to kill the post-pubescent wizard, or b) wants to have sex with him, or c) just wants to know how an Oscar nominated actor of his calibre somehow ended up in this piece of swill. Although I can’t really tell you what it was about, I can tell you that every time it got too confusing some actor would just make up a new word to describe whatever was happening on the screen as if that would explain things, and about half way through the movie everybody took a break and did a flash mob where they kissed whomever was standing next to them, even though that was the first scene some of those people had together in the whole movie. At the end they thankfully fast forwarded through the next 19 years of these people’s lives so that we could see that anything remotely interesting about the characters had been sucked out by the gaping maw of middle age.

Rating: D+ (the + is for the best albino dragon I’ve seen on-screen this year. Well, other than Nancy Grace)

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